Wednesday, April 23, 2008

A short story and a book excerpt.

First a short story.

Boy meets girl. They have some laughs, and quickly realize that they will just be friends, and become close friends. During an innocent conversation, girl makes comment, boy laughs and they decide to write a book based on that comment.

Girl writes exactly one paragraph of the book proposal. The boy does all the rest of the work, works his little butt off for a year…. Girl submits book proposal to hifalutin friend who works at some major international magazines. Friend meddles in the whole project, makes some better, but causes boy much more work in the long run. Boy wants to finish the book before trying to sell it, girl suggests boy submit the proposal. The book doesn’t sell. Boy is tired of the project after facing it for more than 5 years, and he is realistic in the fact that it will never be published. Boy writes a short story and submits the proposal here for all to enjoy:

Dating In Cyberia
A Real Life Experiment With Internet Dating

A Book Proposal

By Sally Libby and Frank Galpin


Every day approximately 10 million people go to dozens of dating websites to seek a soul mate. To test how feasible, or ridiculous, this quest can be, we created personal ads for 60 false identities -- mixing and matching varied physical qualities, desires, and biographical details for each character. Posting the fake ads on many different dating sites (where it's possible to see all the responses, and a tally of how many people read each ad), we quickly collected as many as 8,000 responses per ad.

Choosing the 40 or so ads that drew the most memorable or hilarious responses, we gathered them into a book -- with a short analysis of each ad, explaining our expectations when we posted it and summing up the quality and quantity of the date seekers it attracted. The final collection of mating calls and responses is an addictive read with the same appeal that has drawn millions of viewers to Reality TV.

Modeling our experiment after Letters from a Nut, the humor book that has sold millions of copies by presenting joke letters to corporations along with their genuine responses, we created fake dating identities that exaggerate the outlandish qualities of the love seekers on real dating sites. We pushed the limits to see how wacky we could be and still get serious replies. For comparison, we tested to see if the same ad would get a different type of response if we posted it with a photo of an attractive person or a plain-looking person. (As we suspected, looks matter. The human species seems to believe in perpetuating itself with beautiful genes only.) We also tested to see if money made a difference. Surprisingly, one of our profiles -- for a plain-looking man who had won $10 million in a lottery -- generated less than 10 replies.

To make this social experiment as entertaining as possible, we created as diverse a dating subset as exists in the real world. For instance, we placed an ad for a widower with six kids whose wife electrocuted herself as she vacuumed up a water spill. We didn't expect his hard-luck story to get many letters from women seeking a date, but he received hundreds. We also placed fake ads for: a snake-wrangling superwoman (who received about 6000 responses); an ethnic dance instructor on a cruise ship; a chimney sweeper who's recovering from claustrophobia; and many others.

Dating in Cyberia will make an extremely fun, entertaining impulse buy, particularly for singles, who make up 43 percent of the population. The outrageous fake profiles are read-out-loud funny, particularly when combined with the sincere or demented responses. Thousands of people have taken out personal ads, or answered them. But even if you've only secretly read them, this book provides a vicarious thrill and a lot more laughs than a genuine cyberdate.

Sample Personal Ads and Responses:

1) Chimchimeree

Wanna be swept off your feet?

My age: 32
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A man
Home: Huntington Station, NY
Hair: Black Eyes: Green

Height: 5 feet 8 inches / 172.7 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English, A little Spanish

Ethnicity: Middle Eastern

Religion: Spiritual, but not religious

Education: College graduate

Occupation: Self Employed

Smoker: Yes

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Divorced
Seeking: Casual, Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Pickup Truck
Celebrity I resemble: Katie Couric

Favorite food: Spaghetti and Meatballs

Do I want Children: Undecided

Her description:

Life is great! Just need to find someone like Dick Van Dyke! LOL! I am the owner of a Chimney Sweep Company plus a recovering claustrophobic - so the two together make me a pretty intresting person. I knew I had to conker my fear so I went for it! Day in and day out I am surrounded - the first few times weren't pretty. But now I go in knowing I will come out alive, filthy, but alive! When I'm not sweeping I'm part owner of a nail salon which I manage. People think I only wear black lacquer! LOL! On my days off I like to bike and shop by day and relax with a margarita at a karaoke bar at night. I've met a lot of great people in this business; you'd be surprised how many people quit their jobs because they are sick of someone breathing down their neck and go into chimney sweeping. You basically are your own boss once your inside. And you'd be surprised at how quick you can learn it.

Her ideal mate would be:

I like tall muscley guys who know where they have been in life and where they are going (even if they have to ask for directions). I like guys who try new things and aren't afraid to sieze the day even if its night! Guys who can teach me something new if I give them half a chance. Who aren't afraid to walk a little different if thats who they are. Sometimes because of my job I may have a smokey scent (hey it beats musk!) but I've been told its sexy! When I was having my wedding shower the joke was let's make my shower a real one (I got a lot of soap!) I hope you like the country and the blues because I know some great places around here. BYOB-bring your own broom so you can sweep me off MY feet! Show me how charming you are in your response and be swept off of YOUR feet!

Despite the excessive number of misspelled words, Chimchimeree's profile was read by 6,000 people, and about 1000 posted a response (many of which also needed a spell check). When we created the ad, we were wondering what kind of guy would be attracted to an educated woman who writes as if she never paid attention in class. The answer: Most of her romeos shared her immunity to the effects of higher education. Well, at least they were open-minded enough to consider a date with a chimney sweep who has claustrophobia and a faint smoky scent. If it was good enough for Mary Poppins…


I haven't had a lot of luck dating chimney sweeps, but I'm willing to try again. Please read my profile and let me know if you would like a photo. I work in commercial building engineering/maintenance. It's a start.



My curiosity is about your vacation -- and how you ever got involved with
dirty... sooty.... chimneys? It's great to forget the humdrum of the daily
toils... but it's difficult to forget the smell of #2 oils! It's equally
difficult to remove the soot from your nails... hair ... and "everything" else.
Snowy, slippery roofs can ruin a day too.

Other than what I have already said... and if you have not clicked this message
away... you look like a cute, normal person. I am a single guy that has answered
few of these ads, but you seem so irresisable.

Don't let go of the ladder.

Donnie M.


Sorry I'm in Kansas but I just stopped by to say you look great and don't worry
about that smokey aroma, BBQ ribs often smell of smoke and look at how they have
made out. So long cutie and beware of cinders.


Dear Sweeper:

The dating service’s gods sent me your profile and your picture, and your smile lit up my screen.

I hope that wasn't too corny.

To do that, I was thinking we could get to know each other -- especially since I
have two chimneys.

I found your profile honest, sincere, quite appealing, and would like to get to
know you.

I enjoy an enthusiasm for adventure, health and a passion for life. I pursue a
healthy lifestyle, work out quite a bit, am very fit and have a great sense of

I believe that is where I get my zest for life.

I understand that my profile and picture will be attached to this message.

If I sound and look interesting to you, I hope you'll respond.

I await your reply.



You have an interesting combination of interests. I am curious why someone with a college education would decide to run a chimney sweep company, unless you're kidding (because of the claustrophobia remark and the fact that Dick VanDyke was a chimney sweep in Mary Poppins).

I admire other cultures a lot... especially the asian cultures and would like to
meet an asian lady to marry. I have been to Asia and think that asian ladies are the most beautiful in this world.

I live in Central New York State... I don't know if it's within 100 miles from you or not, but where I live is a very beautiful area with many chimneys.

Please read my profile. If you like it and reply, I'll send you a picture and maybe we can get to know each other.

Have a great day and I hope that I hear from you.

- Mark

i am waiting you to have love and fun with us.
you are shour you from middle east???
are you love come back to visit middle east and see pyramids and rever nile.
i am looking apout serious relationship.
if you like me e-mail me soon.


you crack me the hell up already.



2) Poodlejumper

Home is where the heart is

My age: 28
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A man
Chicago, Illinois
Hair: Light Brown Eyes: Brown
Height: 5 feet 7 inches / 170.1 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: Don’t practice

Education: Some college, but didn’t graduate

Occupation: Other

Smoker: NO!

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Divorced
Seeking: Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Jet airplane
Celebrity I resemble: Helen Hunt (with brown hair)

Favorite food: Happy Meal

Do I want Children: Most Definitely

Her description:

Hi! Well first of all I hope you like dogs, poodles to be specific, because I work with them and have to take them home. My house is filled with them! I started The Poodle Rescue League and am on my 31st "client". My marriage ended when I brought home #19 a year ago! What I do is reprogram them from abuse-did you know that overspoiling a dog is abusive? Poodles are like kids, if you give them too much they turn into ungrateful, whining, temperamental creatures. They are very smart and know what they are doing. Anyway, I've been working 24/7 to build my business and need a break. I like to do needlepoint (i read that Russell Crow does too!) and badmitten and bowling and hotwax sealing (I design my own seals).If we hit it off I'll knit a commode cozy or whatever and I'll send you a poodle hotwax seal that I sell at pet craft shows. I guess you could call me creative. I love craft shows and flea markets.

Her ideal mate would be:

I'm looking for a guy who is honest and has a lot of integrity and knows how to treat a lady. You don't have to hold the door for me all the time just 90%! I WILL NOT get on a motorcycle or jet ski because I was in traction when I was 23 - I wasn't ON the bike, I got hit by one at a company picnic (he was fired!) I hope you are handy around the house and can make shelves and things like that. I'm never touching a circular saw again but I'll save that story for later. I'm a little accident prone which is why I'm kind of a homebody. If you don't mind hanging around the house on weekends and don't mind cleaning up after dogs I'd like to hear from you. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE write more than one line so I can judge your personality by your response!!!

Is there anyone out there who's looking for a poodle freak with a side interest in hot wax sealing and a come-on line that includes the promise of a knitted commode cozy? We didn't think so. But we were oh so wrong. Thirteen thousand people responded to this ad, which may have something to do with the fact that we attached a photo of a beautiful woman. Contrary to our expectations, Poodlejumper didn’t attract a slew of dog lovers. Many respondents felt sorry for her because of her obvious klutziness and were dying to know the circular saw story. In fact, many of her paramours had a story of their own to tell and asked if they could compare bruises.


Hello, I had to laugh about your circular saw comment. It just so happens that I am a trainer for a power tool company. If you would like, I can teach you how to operate the circular saw safely! Or any other tool you would like. Around the office, I am referred to as Mr. Sawdust. I have been working with all these tools for some time now. It is a lot of fun as it is also a hobby of mine. I enjoy woodworking and doing different things around the house. Shelves? No problem... I think your work with the dogs sounds cool. My grandfather always had poodles, and I also thought they were very smart. It was very unusual that these dogs would never be very friendly to anyone in the family except me. Thank you for the opportunity to introduce myself a little, it would be nice to start some conversation with you.
Hope to hear from you.



I started reading your profile and to be honest I was not sure of writing, but
then I read the rest of your profile and if anything, we both share a love of
circular saws. I thought if we don't hit it off, at least we could share our
saw stories, because I have one of my own and I'm sure it will make you feel
better about yours. Besides a love of saws, it sounds like we have similar
interests, I've been know to stay in on weekends and hang a few shelfs, I
usually go over board with projects around the house but I've never knitted a
commode cozy, I don't even know what that is. Anyway check out my profile and
if your intrested in chatting, let me know.



but seriously, what the hell is a hotwax seal? do you do



Dearest Poodlefile I feel like I already know you because yesterday I emailed
you what I thought was a funny and interesting and open and great and
blah,blah,blah,message about your sickness for poodles.I was so pleased about my
little message that I actually stood in my office and did a back flip off of my
desk,out the window and into the dumpster unscathed and found the rest of the
bagel that I pitched out the day before in haste.Man was I happy with my
literary masterpiece.Well... today I come into my office and see I have a new
Email. Golly! I say to myself wouldnt it be neato if my poodle toting buddy from
Chi town recieved my little message.Instead their is a message from the bunko squad saying that since this is my first message(which by the way was my very first attempt to send anyone a message my poodlemad compadre)I have to go through this channel and that and my message will not be seen by you or the masses of literary starved homosapiens.So am sending this message to say that hopefully a day will come when I ******** ******* the third will be able to forward my saved message to you.I am not really a third or a master thesbien like you surely assummed. yours truly redman.


....I can write more than one line. I HATE poodles by the way.....but compared
to cats, I love them. I really hate cats and I like animals.



I am interested in talking to you about your poodle rescue effort. I have a black standard poodle, 4 years old. I have had poodles my whole life.

I might be able to help you with placing the dogs you rescue.

I am straight and not contacting you for any other reason but to find out more about your Poodle Rescue efforts.




If you communicate no other thing to me, I must know what a poodle hot wax seal is! I'm assuming it is the imprint on the seal of a letter. I love flea markets! Estate and garage sales too. I've all but given up the latter because of time. Any mishap involving a circular saw sends shivers down my spine - I hope you're OK. I am a hobbyist woodworker and will ocaisionally have a daydream-nightmare involving a table saw. The people around probably wonder why I turn dead white on occaision. Thanks for writing a good profile that gave me something to write
about.------- Calvin

3) Windshear

Wanna Ride?

My age: 32
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A man
Lincoln, Massachusetts
Hair: Blonde Eyes: Brown

Height: 5 feet 6 inches / 167.6 cm

Body Type: Athletic

Languages: English

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: Spiritual, but not religious

Education: Graduate Degree

Occupation: Executive management

Smoker: Nope!

Drinker: Hardly ever

Marital Status: Never been down the aisle
Seeking: Casual, Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: A red Ferrari
Celebrity I resemble: Mary Stuart Masterson

Favorite food: Steak Tar Tar

Do I want Children: Undecided

Her description:

I'm not your everyday girl. You probably haven't met anyone like me. I know I haven't! I'm a guy's girl because basically I'm fearless. I take on any challenge. I don't like to sit still, you could call me hyper! I've jumped out of planes, raced motorcycles and have my black belt in karate. Yeah, a REAL Charlie's Angel! But don't be intimidated I'm soft on the outside (some might say on the inside too!). Even though I used to work in a herpetarium (grew up in Texas) and had to handle some mean looking things I still like lacy lingerie, bubble baths and Almond Oil massages. Hope you do too! I've broken just about every bone in my body doing what I love to do from rock climbing to riding thoroughbreds to hang gliding. I like living life on my own terms and don't always play by the rules. I've gotten into a few scrapes but can always charm my way out! Rode a Harley topless in the rain down in the Keys, hiked Hawaiian volcanoes and bungee jumped off a cliff in Rio. If you are up for your own challenge I'd like to hear from you!

Her ideal mate would be:

Some men say that I am a challenge; I don’t put myself in that category at all. Basically, I’m looking for a guy to pick up the pieces of me when I come home broken. I can’t cook, (sorry!) but I would love it if you could. Maybe just some pasta or pancakes, tacos or tuna fish would be okay, because I usually don’t stop too long to eat. Maybe opposites will attract, maybe my guy can be the quiet shy type. At least not too shy enough to administer the aforementioned Almond Oil massages! But I do love to laugh, so please, please, please have a sense of humor. Even though I have been know to toss back a few, I don’t drink too much, so don’t you either. I have to be sharp, just to be me! Looks are not all that important to me, just be yourself and so will I, and let’s see what develops from there. Oh yeh, only an idiot answers an ad from me with just one line, or a "cut and pasted" response!

By far the most popular profile we created, this ad was read by nearly 15,000 people, and about 3000 of them posted a response. Windshear was our firstborn -- we started out with a bang -- a combination of Wonder Woman, Xena the Warrior, and the Bionic Woman. We wondered who would take the bait if we created an indefatigable, undefeatable super female. Would men be intimidated or look to her as the ultimate conquest? Judging from the responses, she appealed mostly to men who wanted to challenge her to some sort of sporting duel. (Many of them begged her not to ''break me.'') Though she's a grad student and executive manager, Windshear didn’t catch the attention of the intellectual crowd -- except, of course, one lawyer who compared himself to the snakes she used to handle. Oh, and then there's the bike racer who quotes Voltaire…


So I became a bit exhausted reading your profile but at least it was refreshing
to hear your a sportswoman as against someone who worships the gym.I am not sure
whether I want to arm wrestle you or hold your hand.By the way I can cook.hope
to hear from you. thomas


I've got a medic background, and I can cook all kinds of great pasta, and or
pancakes.. I raced bikes for a few years, and i know when and what to eat, not
to mention can give a great massage. Love the adventure, I know I can keep up, and if need be I'll patch you up,start an IV, and get you back on the horse, to get ya back home. Do ya do any winter sports? (like of course ya do, but which?) Check out my profile, and give a shout, we can get out and do something! Voltaire quotes; "You can learn more about a person in an hour of play, than from a year of conversation..
I have off the last two weeks of Jan, so I'm open for anything.. Hope to hear
from ya.. Greg;-]


not a one-line cut and paste type of guy here

but also - i have never done any of the things that you have - some i would try
- some i would never - such as racing a motorcycle - or taking karate - but most of the other stuff sounds enticing - at least i'm with an expert

i'm hardly the shy type - very outgoing - i just don't break my bones during my recreational activities -

what i think we definatly have in common is your desire for a foot rub and a massage - and my never ending desire to pamper the woman i love -

so - you say looks are not important - if that's true - i really have to meet you no matter what - because you don't lie - i have never met anyone like you

and if its just to meet as new acquaintances - and maybe future friends - so be it - but in terms of romance - i joined because i am ready to settle down

for the last several years i have not dated - as i was focused pretty much exclusively on my work the last few years - and prior to that i was in a long-term fully committed relationship

i'm not much of a cook - but i can order in just fine and can have the table set nicely with some candles for you when you come in muddy and bleeding -

to the extent you find that my thoughts on life and love mirror yours - it would be at the very least - an eyeopening experience to meet Mrs Evil Knevil

hope to hear from you soon

If you stretch your horizons a bit and look West around the curve of the earth you might find what you want. I'm imagining rubbing almond oil into your skin, gently, searching for knotted muscles to massage, finding your sensitive places to touch with exquisite care. I'm on the move this winter, looking for a new place to alight. Write to me!

4) Sixkidsdad

Looking for a date!

My age: 41
I am a: Man
Looking for: A woman
Leonia, New Jersey
Hair: Brown Eyes: Blue

Height: 5 feet 11 inches / 180.3 cm

Body Type: Average

Languages: English

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: ????????

Education: No Answer

Occupation: Teacher

Smoker: No

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Widowed
Seeking: Casual, Long Term Relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Mini-Van
Celebrity I resemble: Albert Brooks

Favorite food: Something nutritious

Do I want Children: No

His description:

Yep I am a widower. With six kids to boot! I have been on my own for three and a half years. My wife met her untimely death in the garage trying to Vacuum up the water left by a midsummer’s thunderstorm. I told her to get the water out of the garage, and instead of choosing to use the Shop-Vac, she was electrocuted with the Electrolux. I feel a little responsible for her horrible death, because I feel as though I should have been the one cleaning up the mess, rather than drying off my new Harley. My therapist is helping me let go of the past and look towards a brighter future. I would love to find a woman to share it with.

His ideal mate would be:

As you can well imagine, I don’t have much time left over after working a full time job, fixing nutritious meals (I’m dead set against fast food) for my clan. I can’t remember the last time the dryer was completely empty and all of the laundry was put away. If you have at least two kids of your own, you’ll sympathize with the laundry part. I’m NOT looking for a mom for my kids. I can comfortably be both Ma and Pa to their needs. I’ve managed on my own for this long. What I am looking for is a companion for ME!

Women are comparatively wary when it comes to reading and answering ads. Of the several male profiles we posted, this one earned the most attention -- but it was read only by 200 people and received a mere 30 responses, much less than any of our female profiles. Most of the women who wrote to Sixkidsdad sympathized with the challenge of being a single parent and offered to take him out on the town. No one seemed to be bothered by the fact that he blamed his wife for her own death (because she used the wrong brand of vacuum cleaner). The respondents included a wide range of women, from an everyday housewife to a pre-law student 20 years younger than Sixkidsdad. The most interesting thing about the women who responded to this ad (and some of our other ads) is that they don’t seem to stick around the dating sites for a long time; usually when we check to see if their profiles are active in two-to-three months they've vanished into that big dating vacuum -- presumably without an electrical or romantic shock.


Hi, your headline got my attention and then after reading your profile my gosh its so sad and I am so sorry to hear your sad story. You are a brave and sensitive man raising six kids and my sympathy is with you. If you would like to respond please do.



Salsa Dance and Who Do You Love? I’m 24, blonde, naked and I want you. Need I say more? I just got my new web cam and I want to try it out and share my pics with you. Get back to me QUICKLY!



I hear you about the laundry Why don't you let me know what you think after you see my profile.



I don't know what your semester looks like, but you sound like a guy who needs a vacation, or at least someone to talk to/email with! I'm a teacher, too, although I don't think my profile is quite yet out there.

I've spent the last few years wishing I could turn back the clock to one moment and change one decision that nearly had the same outcome for my husband. He survived, but the event ultiimately ended my marriage. It isn't on the same level as yours, but I do know what you're going through.

That you have so many children around to remind you that, in some ways, she's not really gone is reassuring. And I promise, the rolling over in the middle of the night and still thinking she is there will stop eventually. My suggestion is to not put it behind you, but to cast the blame away somewhere so that you are only left with positive memories. She would not want you to cloud what you need to preserve for your children and for your sould with blame or guilt or anger over her choice.

Eventually, the pain subsides, and you are left only with the warmth of those good memories, like a warm blanket on a cold day. I promise.

I wrote this last part in case you don't write back, but I hope you do, even if only to have a friend who understands.


5) Funny ComediAnne

Let’s have a BLAST!

My age: 38
I am a: Woman
Looking for: A Man
Home: New York, NY
Hair: Black Eyes: Blue

Height: 5 feet 7 inches / 170.1 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English, Finnish

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: No answer

Education: Graduate Degree

Occupation: Self Employed

Smoker: No

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Never walked down the aisle
Seeking: Casual, Short term relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: 1955 Corvette
Celebrity I resemble: Andie McDowell

Favorite food: Something quick- I’m a busy woman!

Do I want Children: NO!

Her description:

HI! I hate to judge people by their career. Let me start with that comment, and then tell you what I do to pay the bills. I’m a MALE impersonator. I do Jerry Seinfeld, Tom Cruise (in Top Gun and Days Of Thunder), George Carlin, Adam Sandler (in Happy Gilmore), Don Rickles (remember him- most people don’t!), Jack Tripper from "Three's Company," and the King himself, Elvis. You should see me dressed in my sequined jumpsuit and glue-on pork chop sideburns; belting out “Heartbreak Hotel.” I could pass for a busty King! Sometimes if I’m on a roll, I’ll slip in Redd Fox and Andy Griffith. When I can’t get any impersonator gigs, I get by with my stand up act. I make enough to support myself and eat if you have a burning desire to know (plus I own a house!) I was born in Moscow (my birthday is Feb. 14, so I might be Cupid’s sister) to Russian parents (DUH!), though I don’t consider myself Russian, as I moved to the US when I was only 2 years old. I don’t even know my native language! I love living in New York, because of the traffic. I’m kidding.

Her ideal mate would be:

If the above intrigued you, answer back. But if you were thinking “This broad is nuts,” then click above and below to get the perfect girl to right your canoe. I’m crazy funny, and fun to be around. I’ll keep you in stitches and I can’t even sew! I’m looking for a guy to light up my life because I have so many broken lamps that need fixing. Like I said, money means nothing to me so don’t try to impress me with your Porsche. Ideally, you would be as zany as I am and we could pull pranks that 12 year olds would be proud of! If you think that I look young for my age you’d be right! I haven’t any runny nosed kids dragging me down, although I wouldn’t care if my man had kids from a previous encounter. I’m warning you----- please don’t insult my intelligence with a one line reply—only guys that know how to spin a yarn get the map to where this princess is sleeping!

Holy identity crisis! Why would red-blooded American guys go for a woman who spends most of her life pretending to be a man? The answer is not quite clear, though it's safe to say that gals like ComediAnne require a refined taste -- only 60 guys responded to this ad, which was read by nearly 7000 men. (This was by far our worst ratio of readers to respondents.) Out of those who did respond, several were jokers with their own gags. Judging by the quality of their laugh lines, these guys may need to seek a mate who doesn't have a sense of humor.


You seem very attractive and the type of person i would like to meet. You know i thought up a joke the other day. I said to myself this would be good for a stand up joke but if i tried stand up i would only have one joke.So who could i get to use this one- Then i saw your ad. Well that is not the only reason i am writting you. You seem very interesting. I like people that are creative and independent. See if you think you can use this-You might have to spice it up at bit with your charm.---

"I was in my office the other day and thought- wow it is quiet in here so I thought it would be nice to have some music and so i dialed the electric company on speaker phone and of course they put me on hold for half the afternoon with some cool tunes! Problem solved"

I think it would sound better if told rather than in an e-mail. If you might be interested in me i can send you a picture. lol



I mean it's not like I've been looking for you or anything like that. Really,
I swear. I've only been doing stand up for a couple o years but I'll be at
Stand Up NY, this Sat at 5 for a contest. I know contests are kind of Michael
Rodent, I mean Mickey Mouse but I don't live in NY yet. But I've visited there to know its energy is altogether addictive. In fact I'm in a twelve step group called NY Wannabe's Anonymous. I went to a meeting and stood up and said, "Hi, my is Steve and I'm a Wannabe New Yorker. And everybody said, "You? Hah!" I just wrote that so it's a little rough but I like the concept. What do you think? By the way, I remember Don Rickles on The Dean Martin Show. Actually I'm not really that old. I just bought these dentures so I wouldn't have to floss. I'm tired but skip this round of the contest, I'll be in Manhattan soon, Let's hang out, in priviet. Later Dude... Steve… PS Comedienne is spelled with 2 Es but I have no clue with the Cyrillic Alphabet.


We absolutely must get together...this will be the greatest match since Laurel and Hardy(ok, I'll be Hardy). I absolutely think what you do is wild! Bonus points.....I don't own or want any VW products!

I really think we could have a blast...give it a try..what could you loose..your sanity??

Would love to hear from you, Tom, Jerry or the rest of the boys!


Hello Funny Cross Impersonator- truly one of the most stupifyingly brilliant narratives since - well since the advent of online dating. I was not there to see it but I'm certain it was -momentous.

FYI - you were on a page postioned just above a woman from Russia who both spoke and cooked in that manner. A perfect juxtaposition I'm sure.

I've got to know- if we were to meet - could I come to see your show- come what may? It sounds entirely appealing.

I'm sending my true profile, only somewhat abridged, and have an excellent photo that I would be delighted to bring along to a first meeting. Will also bring a functioning and occasionally funny brain.

Very best regards,



Hello funnycomedianne,

OK, OK... so I still get to be the guy... right? This is kind of like a train wreck, or a karate movie in slow motion. I just can't help myself.

The first one is free:

So you all know about Yahoo... right? Do you know what they call it in Switzerland? Yodel! No really, that's what they call it. Do you know what they call it in Texas? Yeehaw!

So look over here to the left... down a little.. a little more... there I am.
I'm from Texas...

Lucky me! I know for a fact that there is an airport within 100 miles of where you live. So when you think about it, it still hurts. Try not to think about it too much. In reality its probably our parents' fault. The same ones we blame our prosperity and freedom on.

The sign post up ahead... bling bling bling bling bling... its a train! I always wondered what a bling was... now I know. Was that one too many blings? I think so. Make it four.

Your on in 5, 4, 3 . .


Hi funnycomedianne,

Meeting you would fulfill my fantasy of dating a busty Elvis. And we are a match to the extent that I fit somewhere in your height requirement of three foot one inch to eight feet eleven inches.
If I've sufficiently aroused your curiosity, I await your reply. ---Harmon

6) Goth Girl

Goth girl seeks same (?)

My age: 26
I am a: Woman
Looking for: Either
Home: New Rochelle, NY
Hair: Black Eyes: Green

Height: 5 feet 10 inches / 180.3 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English,

Ethnicity: White / Caucasian

Religion: No Answer

Education: No answer

Occupation: No answer

Smoker: No answer

Drinker: No answer

Marital Status: No answer
Seeking: Casual, or Short term relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Hearse
Celebrity I resemble: Cher

Favorite food: No answer

Do I want Children: No answer

Her description:

I am what you may call unconventional. I was a Goth in high school and never heard the end of it from my parents. I am totally into dark art and religious iconry. That is not to say I am religious but I am pantheistic which finds God in all things. I have been called unique and wish to stay that way so please no “saviors” need respond. I am very well read on art and art history and am planning on being well traveled as soon as I can find the time to get my passport. You know that artist Christo who did all sorts of crazy things like “Wrapped Trees” and different colour storefronts as art; well I do stuff like that. My art reflects my passion for new perspectives on old ideas. Right now I am working on a project that some see as ludicrous yet it would be the first of its kind involving real human beings. Siamese twins are usually liberated from each other through medical procedure; I have found two lovers who are so devoted to each other that they want to be surgically joined. It will be a profound statement on the nature of love and totally original. I have applied for an artist’s grant and am waiting to hear back.

Her ideal mate would be:

I am bi and believe we all are but most have repressed our true nature. I don’t care what gender you end up being as long as you are real. You don’t follow the herd and they don’t follow you because you would be too weird for them. You must love galleries, college bookstores, performance houses, and theatre of the bizarre, cafes and the avant guard in all its cultural forms. You have to vote independent and be socially conscience. Your religion or spirituality, politics and sexual expression should mesh and represent you as a divine being, artist and citizen of a new world yet to be born. Bald, goatees, shaved body hair, hungry looking, body art, piercing, extremes of flat chested or huge-breasted, nail art – all cool in my microcosm. Smokers and experimenters OK. Want to hear from you so we can make art in our own image, but PLEASE be original in your response. ABSOLUTELY no one line responses will be even read!!!!!

Pretentious? Moi? We suspected that this Christo-loving overgrown teenager might scare away most love seekers. And, as it happens, the 200 responses to this ad (which was read by 2000 people) were mostly one-liners from guys who couldn't resist making a wisecrack. Meanwhile, the longer responses seem to prove once and for all that many people who answer online personal ads have only one purpose in mind… to tell another person more about themselves than anyone would want to know! Oddly, Goth Girl prides herself on being a paragon of unconventionality, but she received several replies from very conventional male jocks -- the kind of people she'd prefer to sacrifice on some sort of altar before she'd consider dating them. Because this was one of the most colorful ads that we posted, it garnered some replies that are equally as imaginative. Even one from another bisexual girl who just had to write to discuss the fine qualities of two male friends…


Hi ;
well, I am impressed that there is a female version of me, albeit a bit younger
I wont hold it against myself that I didnt figure me out til I was like 28 but what the hell at least we arrived at the same place. Firstly, not that I am the great sexual god of all time although what ever I do I try to be as good as I can be, I wouldnt even think about dating a girl who wasnt bisexual because I believe what you believe , about everyones sexuality. It is a freedom of expression and individuality and my beef with most adults is they are all oppressed into believeing when you get older you have to stop living. My childhood, meant freedom to me, and I was afraid that when I grew up I would have to adhere to the wills and demands of society, but I quickly realized that I really didnt , and so I am very different from any other adult I have ever met, and it looks like you are gonna be one of those too. (): Welcome to my club. You have a magnificant way of wanting to express your freedom without the inhibitions so many people have . Your magnificant and I would love to be your friend even if I never kissed you, romanced you or lusted you, it would be a positive life experience. I as well would free you even more if thats possible.
(: I do what I want, when I want, how I want and try not to interefere with anyone
elses space. Some people look at me as if I am weird because I love the same things now as when I was a wild teenager. I havent let society change my venue or taSTE. I love animals and music , and am very involved with both in many different unique sucessfull businessess all of which I created. I have a very fertile open mind and am eagerly ready to accept all. I love life and I take advantage of it every day. I hope you dont pass up the opportunity for us to at least talk a bit you will find me, at the very least , interesting. I passed on the object of looks as being important after I ended a 2 year relationship with a beautiful model, and although she was bruilliant and cool and down to earth, she could not let go of so many of those pre conceived notions about how to live her life. We are still good friends although she really hasnt realized fully that it can never be again , because she isnt really free minded like she likes to thin she is .
You have inspired me that I can actually find a grown up that isnt messed up, by everyone elses willds and rules. God bless you, and dont ever ever change . your the evolution of mankind , or at least a preview.
Lets chat


Wow, I'm practically speechless, having never read something so inappropriate, bold, yet awakening all at once. I hope you don't mind my saying so but besides all that you have said of which I have read you seem normal. Although your interests may diverge from the popular poles your photo galery defies any counterhuman strain. My ways and expressions aren't quite as off the wall (meaning that in the best way) as yours. I'm straight. I work my own business, love art, drawing, sketching, designing, splurging on LP's, following animal tracks in the snow. Check out my profile. It's not terribly mainstream, so you might be interested, either way please RSVP. I'm very interested in hearing more of what you have to say. Seriously and Sincerely, Wesley.


Ok, your definately different but than again so am I.You look really different
in all your pictures.Is that always you.You must be ever changing and
evolving.I'm an artist ,too.I'm an actor.I do TV to make money.But I do other
things ,too.
Christo is cool.He works on a huge scale.Very fun stuff.Do you pant people-I
mean there bodies- I like that stuff.You sound very interesting.Art is a great
place for inspiration.So is sex.
Your bi,huh.I admit,that is exciting.I can be pretty adventurous,too.I suppose
a hot goth like yourself knows a thing or two about Kink!Maybe you could put me
in my place or maybe I'd could turn the tables on you.Why don't we get together
and make some hot erotic art?OOPS! Did I get ahead of myself?
Anyway you look great and definately not boring.So lets talk.Maybe we can go
on some adventure soon.


Hi GothGirl,

I was very intrigued by what you said You probably got 100s of messages.I live in downtown Manhattan South of Wash Sq. Park. It would be great to get together for a drink with you.Somehow this email reminds me of whales each whale gives off their own particular sound and they hope another whale will hear it. Otto
What did you do last weekend?


Dear Goth

Greetings from northern CA. I know this is likely the most left field e-mail you will see on here, but I have a nice guy friend from
Bennington College who lives in Scarsdale NY. He may not be Goth, but I know he spent a few weeks working for Christo the year before he died (was the Island
Project I recall) My friend (Joe) was also on a dating service but I think he bagged his profile as I think he said there were too many players. I told him I would try to prove him wrong. Unfortunately, he does not have his profile showing but I did manage to download what he said as well as his pics. One thing, he is 41 but you would not know it just from being with him. As I am also bi, he can relate to it without being an asshole. (Do not tell me you have not yet received an offer for a three some)If you want me to tell you more, just say so. He is one of the rare catches you will find. And besides, he is a lot of fun.


7) Wordsmith

Tree Hugger

My age: 30
I am a: Woman
Looking for: man
Suffern, New York
Hair: Black Eyes: Green

Height: 5 feet 9 inches / 170.1 cm

Body Type: Slim / Slender

Languages: English, French

Ethnicity: Black / African American

Religion: No Answer

Education: Some College

Occupation: Other

Smoker: NO!

Drinker: Sometimes

Marital Status: Never walked down the aisle
Seeking: Long term relationship
If I was a car I’d be a: Porsche
Celebrity I resemble: Rachael True

Favorite food: Waffles

Do I want Children: YES!

Her description:

Thanks for reading my profile. Words are very important to me; I’m a proofreader for a small southwestern NY phone book company. It’s amazing what kind of mistakes printers make, such as one instance where the words “Pootly Nautch” were substituted for “We’re open until 8PM” in a pizza restaurant yellow pages ad. I got into this line of work because I loved words as a little girl and I pasted all sorts of words all over my room. One of my heroes is Steven Vincent Benet, or his brother Billy Rose Benet. I must admit that the career I chose doesn’t pay very well; so to earn extra money I raise Bonsai trees in my basement. It’s amazing that you can stunt the growth of just about any tree by pruning them in the right spots. One of my best sellers is the Bonsai apple tree that bear fruit about the size of a green pea. Believe you me, it takes about 1,000 of these tiny balls to make a really good apple pie.

Her ideal mate would be:

I’m looking for someone to share my love for words, so no poor spellers please! Maybe someone that can help with my hobby of raising small trees for profit would be nice too. It’s a lot of work for one person to carry the seventy trees that are in my basement up to my backyard to get sun every other day, weather permitting. Yes, someday I do want children, and I realize that I will have to give up my fondness of horticulture to be a good mother. But I will never give up my love for words, so I hope that the perfect man will understand. Also please know what ‘garaticulating’ means.

This enterprising Wordsmith received a higher percentage of sympathetic responses than any of our other profiles – out of 3000 people who read the ad, 500 responded. Apparently, guys take pity on the quiet shy, brainiac type, or maybe they think she's so readily available that she'll overlook their own flaws. We wondered if anyone would realize how unlikely it is to grow apples on bonsai trees -- but that didn't seem to be a problem. Maybe Wordsmith is just so downright earnest that her suitors felt foolish calling her on it. They did, however, fall into one trap we set for them. ‘Garaticulating’ is a made-up word inserted into the profile to drive the sincere guys crazy as they searched for it in their Webster's…


Greetings from Vermont
Map unchecked for the distance
Risking a hello

OK, so I like haiku... I also do some writing on the side. I enjoy writing
fiery letters to the editor, and have been published locally four times since I
moved here in 2001. I also have some essays up on line! :) And I was 40,000
words into the "great american (vampire) novel" when I realized it needed to be
completely redone! *sob*

Hope to hear from you!



People say relationships are hard work, but I didn't know they meant hauling 70 trees up and down every other day. It's a unique interpretation. Anyway. I honestly have no idea whether we'd be right for each other or not, but you sound interesting. Plus, I can't find "garaticulating" in either the Webster's New World, American Heritage or Google. So even if you're not interested, maybe you could satisfy my curiosity. Is it horticulture related?
Best wishes, in any event,




Words are important to me too. 2 other people and I are writing a book that should be coming out soon. And if all goes well it should be nearly as exciting as those phone books you've been proofreading. (It's an investment book that's kind of heavy on statistics.)

Hard for me to know much about you because some of your info isn't materializing on my screen. But from what I can tell you seem kind of wacky and fun and have some of the same aspirations I do. And you like cats.

Got to hop! Hope to hear from you soon!


Frenzied sprint to merriam-webster ..unabridged (no less), produced nothing, "nada," "zilch," "zippo," for "garaticulating." if you are correct and word gets out, the academy will be rocked to its very foundations (it's already teetering precariously). suffer[n][ing]; we (or at least this wordsmith) await clarification with bated breath (or "braided baths," depending on your point of view). as for your horticultural bent, better hysterical japanese loosing cries of "bonsai" instead of "banzai." here's to billy rose, and better yet, sj perelman.

The End!

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

One of the deadliest....

I have written before about losing my mom to cancer, and two of my friends. One of them never made it out of her twenties when she was struck down by this deadly disease.

So I’ve made it a steady practice over the years to donate to The American Cancer Society. You cannot fathom what a family goes through until you are thrust into that situation. I wish I could thank the countless doctors, nurses, hospice volunteers that made my mom’s last days here on Earth a little more comfortable, and the hospice people get an extra tip of the hat because they made my mother smile and laugh when she was in severe pain the last few days of her life. I never realized until after her death, how many people it takes to keep one person alive, not only in the medical profession, but from the countless blood donors who selflessly gave of their own blood with the hope that they would be helping a fellow human being. Even to the 5 (yes count them FIVE) part time people who drove my mother to and from appointments when one of our family could not.

So Relay events come and go. I always seem to have some ‘excuse’ for not walking. But this year I’m doing something about it! I joined Loretta’s team…… here is my page.

Sunday, April 6, 2008

A surprise......

The other day I walked around the corner of my house and this is what I saw. Thankfully I had my cell phone in my pocket.

My son Tim playing the riff for "Beat It" on his acoustic guitar. Cool kid. Wish I thought to turn on the video.